I Would Go
by skysedge
Summary: Hakkai has a moment of weakness. Luckily for him, Gojyo's there to pick up the peices. Oneshot


**I have never written Saiyuki fics before. Bear this in mind. This is a one-shot I just imagined randomly and decided had to be written. Make of it what you will**

_**This was inspired by Keiko Hanyou's story You Only Tell Me You Love Me When You're Drunk. I imagined it happening while her pair are off at the bar….you didn't need to know that but I thought I'd say. Read it at this link **_

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There was no sound but that of the tiny water droplets hitting the glass.

Gojyo lit another cigarette and leaned against the window to watch the rain. He was sitting on the sill of one of the inns windows that overlooked a large lake; despite himself, he found the pattern of raindrops on the surface of the lake captivating.

It was peaceful here, more peaceful than he had expected. Sanzo and Goku had left earlier to pick up some supplies and since Goku ate the same amount as he picked up, they would be a while. Hakkai was…well, Hakkai was nowhere to be seen.

Closing his eyes for a moment, Gojyo felt a calm wash over him and idly reflected how nice it was that no one was currently trying to kill him. He could sit here for however long he wanted and lose himself in thought…

"Hey!"

Gojyo turned to see the little white dragon chirping frantically and tugging on the sleeve of his shirt. He seemed excited about something and pulled with enough force to pull Gojyo onto his feet. Gojyo felt a rush of anxiety wash over him. Whatever had happened?

"Jeep, what's wrong?" He tried to slap the dragon away from him to no avail; it just wouldn't let go. Suddenly Gojyo realised what was going on; it wanted him to follow it. He nodded almost absently and let himself be pulled away from his quiet spot and into the adjoining room.

Despite the rain and despite the cold win, the door leading onto the small balcony was open. The wind had rushed through and blown papers, sheets and bags around inside. Gojyo opened his mouth to say something angry before tidying up the room but stopped. There was someone sitting out on the balcony. He took a few tentative steps into the room so that he could see past the billowing curtain. The person was hunched over against the railings and shaking. Gojyo went to call for help and then realised there was no one he could call to.

It was Hakkai.

But what would Hakkai be doing out in weather like this? He was too smart to do something like that… Gojyo mind flicked to the images that never seemed far away, the images Hakkai himself had conjured up when telling Gojyo what he had done all those years ago. Maybe he wasn't so smart after all, not all the time.

Gojyo walked slowly onto the balcony and studied Hakkai critically. He hadn't been noticed. Water had soaked through Hakkai's shirt which now clung to him like a second skin. His hair was slicked down against his face. His eyes were closed, his lips slightly parted and his hands clung to the bars of the balcony as though there was nothing else keeping him anchored to the ground. His skin had gone white from the cold. Gojyo sat down beside him silently, ignoring the water on the floor.

"Hakkai?"

The softness of his own voice surprised Gojyo; he hadn't known he could be so tender. He reached out a hand and laid it on his friend's outstretched arm; it was freezing to the touch.

"Hakkai, what's the matter?"

Hakkai twitched slightly and then opened his eyes, rolling his head to the side to see Gojyo more clearly. Gojyo didn't know whether it was just the rain, or whether there were tears in his eyes.

Before Gojyo knew what was happening, Hakkai had launched himself backwards and sent them both rolling back into the wall. Gojyo was pressed up against it with Hakkai leaning against him, clutching onto his shirt like a small child.

"What's wrong with you?" Gojyo said, mainly due to fright. It was bizarre, seeing Hakkai like this.

"Everything." Hakkai said. His voice was shaking and sounded unreal. "Everything is wrong with me."

"What do you mean?" Gojyo said quietly, and found himself fighting the urge to stroke Hakkai's hair gently. It must have been something in his voice, something lost and helpless.

"I'm evil, aren't I?" Gojyo opened his mouth to speak but was swiftly cut off. "Don't argue. You know I am. I'm only here with you know because I… I had to…"

"I know." Gojyo's voice was gentle. "You don't have to say it."

"Then you understand." Hakkai said. "You know that I'm not like you and the others because I'm evil. I don't know how I can keep travelling with you when-"

"Hey, you're not thinking of leaving, right?" Gojyo cut in, frowning. "Please tell me you're not going to leave."

"Maybe it would be easier that way." Hakkai scooted away from Gojyo to end up leaning against the wall beside him. He hugged his knees and began to shiver.

"Don't be mad at me." Gojyo moved and wrapped an arm around Hakkai's shoulders. "I just don't want you to leave me…alone with them. That's all. If you think you have to go…"

"Maybe." I just can't take killing anymore. Every death is another weight on my soul. I… I don't know, maybe its because no ones ever loved me… the right way…I feel that I'll never find a place in heaven."

Hakkai lapsed into silence and Gojyo didn't know what to say. What could he say? He knew what had happened and he could understand Hakkai's feelings, at least a little. But…surely Hakkai had realised that someone did love him? How could he not? He was the assertive one.

They sat together and watched the rain which continued to fall. Gojyo's shirt was also soaked through now and h was starting to get cold but wouldn't move, not until he was sure Hakkai would move with him. To make that happen, he had to say the right words. Gojyo had never been one for words but maybe if he hinted…Hakkai would work it out.

"Hey." He said quietly, finally giving in to the urge and letting himself stroke a strand of wet hair lightly. "For what it's worth, I think you're more likely to get into heaven than any of the rest of us but if it came to the point where you had to run away and leave all of this… I would go with you."

Hakkai turned his face towards Gojyo and smiled weakly. "You would?"

"Of course. I'm offended you even had to ask."

"Just making certain." Hakkai smiled again and grabbed Gojyo's hand from where it was stroking his hair. He clasped it with his own and turned back to the rain soaked scenery. "Thank you."

"You never have to thank me for anything." Gojyo murmured then lapsed back into silence.

Neither of them moved despite the rain, which now felt warmer than it ever had before. They finally got up and walked inside when they heard the others approaching; no sense in worrying them, or so Gojyo thought.

If Hakkai completely broke down, what would happen to the rest of them? The light in his eyes whenever he glanced at Gojyo now, made him certain that breaking down wasn't going t happen any time soon.


End file.
